Bleach Prank Calls!
by Flower in the River
Summary: Where we prank call our favorite Bleach characters. Very old, very crack-ish. I am not responsible for deaths due to laughter that may occur.


**Okay. A couple of disclaimers. Firstly, Bleach is not, has not been, and will never be mine. Second, this was made a couple of years ago, and I just rediscovered it and am posting it on a whim. It's complete and total crack, to put it lightly. There's a couple more written, which I'll post if people actually end up liking this. Oh, and Hotaru is a friend of mine (I'm known as Amaya in this fic). Also, FF messed up the spacing. Okay, I think that's all...LET THE CRACK-FEST BEGIN!**

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><p><strong>Amaya<strong>: Hii, it's me, Amaya! Guess who just had a mocha that was the largest size Starbucks had? :D Annnyway, I'm taking advantage of my temporary insanity to prank call a "Bleach" character! Yay!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Hey there! My name is Hotaru. You know what's awesome! Fire. Fire is cool. K?  
>Me: She's new to this, so be nice and no killing her, k?<br>**Hotaru**: Yes please. Listen to Amaya. If you don't, I might get mad.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: But you'd be dead! :)  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>:... well...  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: :D Anyway, this is my first prank call! Me hopies you likeies! Remember to review if you like! Then we might do more if Hotaru doesn't die!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Dying is not in my life plan... that might not work...  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Be quiet Hotaru! *smacks Hotaru*  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: …. *WHAAAAAA WHAAAA*  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *Puts a hand over Hotaru's mouth* Okay, so today we're gonna call Hisagi-fukutaichou!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: OH! He has a funny name!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Fukutaichou isn't his name, silly! It means lieutenant!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: *not listing and trying to pronounce name* Fuki- Fukutar- Fuko- Fukutaichow-  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: HOTARU! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Not really. Would you like me to?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *Picks up "Soul Society's Yellow Pages" and hits Hotaru with it*  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: I thought those were for looking up soul pager numbers. I didn't know it was a weapon. Can I try?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Nope! Cuz then I'd have to kill you! *pulls out meat cleaver* Kk?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: … Yes ma'am. :(  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Mkay. So, today we're gonna call Hisagi Shuuhei, and reveal his deepest darkest secret.  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: His name just changed. Is that normal?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Fukutaichou isn't his name! It's his title! Like King George's name was George!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Ohhh! Why wasn't I alerted before?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: …..Baka...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: That's not nice. Someone needs to teach you some manners. But anyways, can we call now?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: But you don't know what secret we're trying to expose!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: That was your cue to tell me!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *Sighs.* Fine. We're gonna reveal...THAT HE'S A BALLERINA! *dramatic music plays*  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: OOHHH! O_o  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Cuz, he totally is. I have proof!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Share proof! Share proof!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: That's a secret. But he leaps around.  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Well, frogs technically le-  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: FROGS DO NOT LEAP. THEY JUMP.  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: I have heard people say that frogs leap!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: I have heard people say that jumping off a cliff is a good idea. Are they right?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Then what about toads?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Toads are fat idiotic poisonous things.  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Aren't we negative today! Did someone get up on the wrong side of bed?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Did we forget about Mr. Meat Cleaver? *lifts meat cleaver threateningly* Mr. Meat Cleaver is our friend...well at least _my _friend...}:)  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Sorry ma'am!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Anyway, dial his number and we can get started.  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Ok whatever. *dials number* Do I press the little green button now? Or does it just call by itself?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: I forgot! We need to hook up a secret camera so we can watch this!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Not answering question...  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Push that blue button over there first, then push the green button on the phone.  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Got it! *presses blue button, then green one*  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Yay! *opens laptop* *see Hisagi in his room answering the phone on the laptop screen*  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: You has pretty laptop! *like not into the phone cuz that would be weird*  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Thanks! Her name is Zinnia!  
>Hisagi: *answering phone* Hello?<br>**Hotaru**: Hai Hai! My name is.. uh.. *to Amaya* should i have a fake name?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *to Hotaru* Yes! Your name is Baka!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: *continuing call* Ms. Bakanami! Are you interested in our special offer today?  
>Hisagi: Um...<br>**Hotaru**: Yes! We are offering a great price on our ballet shoes! Buy one at half pr-  
>Hisagi: What! Why do I need ballet shoes?<br>**Amaya**: Because we have heard that you are a ballerina of course!  
>Hisagi: Wait.. how many people-<br>**Hotaru**: That's right!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *creepy voice* we know EVERYTHING about you, Shuuhei...  
>Hisagi: Who is this?<br>**Hotaru**: I told you. We are selling ballet slippers. Use your ears.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: We know you want them, Shuuhei...  
>Hisagi: Okay, maybe I <em>do <em>need a new pair. BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME AND MY SECRET PASSION?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Trust me. We know everything about you Shuuhei.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *creepy voice again* EVERYTHING, Shuuhei...  
>Hisagi: Um.. I think that I'm gonna hang up so-<br>**Hotaru**: No! You would hang up on the ones who know everything about you? Think about it Shuuhei.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: We could do anything to you, remember...anything...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: We could hurt you Shuuhei. Remember that. Don't do anything that would make us mad.  
>Hisagi: *screams like a little girl*<br>**Amaya**: O.o *to Hotaru* He...screams like that?  
>Hotaru: He even screams like a ballerina.<br>Hisagi: *is running around his room screaming* MOMMY! MOMMY!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You would seem more mature if you just sat down instead of running and screaming.  
>Hisagi: YOU CAN SEE ME? WHERE ARE YOU? *starts hitting the walls and screaming some more*<br>**Hotaru**: Hmm. Haven't we already told you? We know everything about you. _Everything_.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: And we can do anything...anything...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: So would you like to sit down and listen to us now? If you don't, it might make us mad.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: _Really _mad.  
>Hisagi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA D:<br>**Hotaru**: You're not sitting. This could present some problems.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Mr. Meat Cleaver hasn't cut anybody up for weeks...  
>Hisagi: <em>WEEKS! YOUR MEAT CLEAVER HAS KILLED SOMEONE IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS! WHO ARE YOU!<em>  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Some_one? _As in, just one person?  
>Hisagi: *hyperventilating* Please... I'll do whatever you want... please don't hurt me...<br>**Amaya**: *To Hotaru* He panics easily, doesn't he?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: *to Amaya* he really does. It's slightly disappointing.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: There's gotta be something that _really _scares him tho. *into the phone* Shuuhei...we will make you relive your worst fears...  
>Hisagi: You know what those are... Oh...<br>**Hotaru**: Is that what you want Shuuhei? Do you want that?  
>Hisagi: Please no...please don't send in a drunk Hitsugaya! ANYTHING BUT HITSUGAYA-TAICHOU DRUNK!<br>**Hotaru**: *holding in laughter, to Amaya* He has got to be kidding. This is better than I thought It would be!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *looks at laptop screen and sees Hisagi running around barricading doors and panicking* Um, he's not kidding...*stifles laughter*  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: *into phone* SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!  
>Hisagi: *AIEEE!* YES MA'AMS<br>**Amaya**: *picks up another phone* *dials* Hey, Rangiku? It's Amaya. Mmhm. Yup. Hey, could you do me a favor? *winks at Hotaru* Yeah, just a little. He's so small after all. K. Thanks! Bye! *hangs up*  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: OOH! What did Amaya tell Rangiku?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *puts hand over receiver* Hotaru-chan, what's Hisagi's worst fear?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: A drunk Hitsugaya...  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Who has the most sake in Soul Society?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Rangiku! ^_^  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Exactly. Let's just say there will be a "surprise" in little Toshiro's snack...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: OOH! O_o  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *uncovers receiver* Shuuhei?  
>Hisagi: Ye- Ye- Yes?<br>**Amaya**: *creepy voice* You want these slippers...  
>Hisagi: I do.. I do want those..<br>**Amaya**: Hisagi...do you know of the rule of "Equivalent Exchange"?  
>Hisagi: Equival- Equivalant- Exchange...<br>**Amaya**: If you can't say it, shut up. We run our shop on a similar basis to the shop of Yuko-san in xxxHOLiC...are you familiar with Yuko-san?  
>Hisagi: Yes. Yes I am...<br>**Amaya**: Not the Yuko from 7th Division. The space-time witch? The one who says that there must always be a price? *sighs* Okay, what about FMA? You know FMA?  
>Hisagi: Yes. I know what you are talking about...<br>**Amaya**: Then you should know what we're talking about...  
>Hisagi: W-what is the price?<br>**Hotaru**: You _really really_ want them right?  
>Hisagi: Yes.. Yes I really do...<br>**Hotaru**: Very well. You shall put on a performance in front of all Soul Society. But not any performance. You must present your ballet skills to all Soul Society. Wearing a pink tutu and ballet slippers. As you know, in Yuko's shop, you can't change your mind.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *to Hotaru* You'd know all about not changing your mind -_-  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: I'm trying to put that behind me! Don't bring it up again! *into phone* Don't protest. That is what you must do  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *to audience* She sold her luck for a skateboard.  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: And then I discovered that I needed that luck. But anyway. It's okay I guess.  
>Hisagi: Do I...do I have to? My normal pink tutu is at the cleaners...I only have the one with s-sparkles and rainbow stitching...<br>**Hotaru**: Don't worry. That will do.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *whispers* sparkles and rainbow stitching?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: *whispering to Amaya* I can't believe that he has that either.  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *into phone* Okay, go put on your show! *hangs up* *turns to Hotaru* Come on, get your soul reaper disguise on and let's go!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Of course!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *opens a senkaimon* Don't forget your video camera!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Of course I wouldn't!

~Later in Soul Society~

**Amaya**: ….oh my cheesesticks...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: I like cheesesticks! You has cheesesticks?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Shut up and look at him!  
>Hisagi: *dances to "the dance of the sugarplum faeries"*<br>Soul Society: *laughing hysterically*  
>Yamamoto:I haven't laughed this much since I heard the Trojans say "It's just a giant wooden horse, what harm could it do?"!<br>**Amaya**: !  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: BEST DAY EVER!  
>Hitsugaya: *slurred speech* Ma...Matsumotooo...that wasn't tea...<br>**Hotaru**: THANK YOU RANGIKU!  
>Rangiku: *walks over and high fives me* It worked so much better than I thought it would!<br>Hisagi: O_o Oh.. Is that...  
>Hitsugaya: *still slurred speech (Rangiku gave him a little more than she had to)* Oy...zat Hisagi? *stumbles over to him* Hizagi...oy, Hizagi...<br>Hisagi: *AAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE* *runs away*  
>Hitsugaya: *slurred speech* w-wait... why he run... *stumbles after Hisagi*<br>Rangiku: Wow. He even screams like a ballerina  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: He really does. *Reaches in her bag to grab another video camera and accidentally pushes a large orange button* O_O uh oh...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Um.. What does the orange button do?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: *looking quite flustered* Um...I created it on a whim the other day...Hotaru, explain the zodiac curse for me...you know, from "Fruits Basket"...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: It's that thing where the family turns into the zodiac animals. And then they turn back into humans. Why?  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: They turn into animals when people of the opposite gender hug or do something like that, right?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Yeah... and..  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Well...I was kind of having fun...and this works kinda like that on anybody in a tutu...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Oh no...  
>Momo: Hisagi-kun? Shiro-chan? What's going on?<br>**Hotaru**: Well... Problem...  
>Hisagi: *trips and falls onto Momo* *poof of magical transformation dust*<br>Momo: *screams* JUSTIN BIEBER IN A TUTU!  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Oh my god...  
>Soul Society: *mix of screams and hysterical laughter* *basically utter chaos*<br>**Amaya**: O_o Let's leave...  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: But I'm having so much fun!  
><strong>Amaya<strong>: Do you _really _want to be here when the fangirls find out that's its just Shuuhei and when Shuuhei finds out we turned him into Justin Beiber?  
><strong>Hotaru<strong>: Oh my! Look at the time! I must be going now! **Amaya**! Let's go!

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><p><strong>Like it? Hate it? Review!<strong>


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